I love a good joke. I have several friends (and family members) who love to tell them and they are almost certainly good for a laugh. Thing is -- you need to have the patience to listen to the "story" until you get to the punch line. On days however, when I'm a little low on patience, all I need to hear is a good "one-liner" to bring a smile to my face.
Here are a few of my favorites:
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Better to remain silent and be thought a food, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them." I say "If you can't beat them, beat them," because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise!
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.